Well hello guys…. hi…. looking good…… hey… x

(A bit of play to start but this is going to be a long post so bear with me as I try to articulate what I’m trying to say)

Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about masculinity, what being a man means to me. Maybe its because I’m going through a career change or maybe it’s because I’m 27 staring at 28 and for some reason I feel conscious that I really cant be as immature as I like to be… damn!!

This Friday, I went to Exeter to see my good buddy’s passing out ceremony from the marines. It was something he wanted to do since he was a lad and had put it off as you do, partly due to self doubt, partly due to change in priorities/life situation etc.. but he decided it was what he wanted so he got into training last year gave in his application form and 36 weeks of training later, he’d done it.

Visiting the commando training centre was an experience, it was fucking awesome, this place is like a factory for turning boys into men. Walking around the complex, you see boys in tee shirts being marched in the rain for hours, running around assault courses with 100 pound sacks on, being pushed physically and mentally by their instructors and generally being shouted at a lot.

The final part of the ceremony was a speech by the big cheese (im fucked if I can remember his title, he was a big fucker with a sword…) He was talking about their training and how they are well prepared for what they are going to have to do when they’re dispatched. He also discussed the values they should now have; courage, unity, determination, adaptability, unselfishness, humility, cheerfulness in the face of hardships, professional standards, fortitude, humour. (It’s a lot to live up to.)

But the bit that stuck in my head was him saying to the families, your sons came in here as boys – today they are leaving as men. And it was true, you could see it in them, the sense of achievement, they had something that could never be taken from them. They were proud, but not arrogant.

The other thing that has got me thinking about masculinity is the girl I’m currently seeing. I really dig her, she’s cool. Shes a couple of years older than me, has her own business, has the sexy body any good eastern european chick should and is one head strong woman. I’ve learnt a lot about myself the last 3 weeks being with her, going out, doing fun stuff, talking crap..**I was round at hers last night talking and mid conversation she says,

Her: I’m having a cup of tea, do you prefer tea or coffee.

Me: I prefer tea.

We chit chat for a bit and she notices I’ve not drank any of my tea.

Her: Don’t you like tea?

Me: I love tea, but I didn’t want tea now, you just gave it me…

We we’re laughing around on the floor for about half an hour…

She’s an extremely confident/forward person and has achieved a lot. Then she said to me that she wonders if I’m more confident than her because I stand up to her and she likes it. This threw me a bit, because I don’t think of myself of a confident person, but then again I don’t see myself as not confident, if there is something I want to do or achieve I will go for it, and I love taking risks. But at the same time I think I have repressed parts of myself and hold back a lot because it can be intense when I assert myself, I’m not that good at controlling myself when I do. (It’s fucking weird)

So anyway, I’ve been thinking all this stuff and then been like WTF, why am I like this. Everyone is different and my life experiences will be different to yours. But then I’m thinking philosophically about it, maybe we repress parts of our masculinity as a mechanism of dealing with living in a capitalist consumerist economy, where we buy buy buy crap because we’re conscious of our image and what we posses and not what characteristics we embody.

Or shall I point the finger at the matriarchal world we live in, Hollywood bullshit, celebrity culture nonsense, but then that’s because it sells.

Are we redressing masculinity, is this part of pu. Are we redressing the imbalance in the sex wars. (Duncan would be proud…)

How has your concept of your masculinity changed or has it? And for you guys who have passed 28, is it an age thing?

Hope this has been relevant to you and not just incoherent ramblings. I would love to hear what your masculinity means to you and what you want it to mean.