One of my best mates Dean is getting married.

I think it's great and am happy for him, she has nice child bearing hips and I get to go to massive party. Win/win.

First things first the actual "getting married" part. The formality of the day is unbearable. They have decided to go for a traditional church wedding, this means there is so much protocol and procedure I wonder how anyone could actually enjoy it. We sit in the church for an age waiting for the bride to arrive, my mate stood at the front turning round and grinning. He makes a "gun to the head gesture", we laugh. So she arrives and then we "sing" hymns. This is awkward as fuck as everyone is basically just talking in a loud whisper. The priest then bangs on about god which grinds me and then starts to talk about the couple which is relevant. The thing that pisses me off is that at every opportunity he try’s to reference the church or god in some way. I mean we are supposed to be celebrating two people in love? There is one point where he actually started pan handling for donations for the church! I am fucking gob smacked as it cost the Brides Dad 800 quid! Fuck organized religion/crime.

So after they get hitched we travel to a glorious country hotel, like something from Midsummer Murders. However, I notice my friend dosent get to soak in the opulent surroundings as more protocol ensues. I go to hug him and hand him a drink before some wispy gray man in a top hat drags him outside for photos. These photos take an hour. No fun to be had yet then.

Finally a big gong goes off and we are ushered into the banquet hall for dinner. We drink and eat (which is lovely). Then come the speeches. I was only really bothered about the best man speech which was another close friend of mine, John. However, here is where the drama starts. You see, Johns girlfriend is a total fucking bitch, she is sat on my table and already drunk as fuck. I know something is going to go down. John begins his speech, it is excellent. Funny and charming just like any good best mans speech should be. He is just winding down thanking the brides maids when SHE pipes up “Who wrote them FUCKING jokes for you then?!” The room is silent. I dart my eyes at her as she chuckles. John continues with his speech. “HE THINKS HE’S A FUCKING COMIC!” Instantly myself and another friend at the table pounce on her, I say in gritted teeth “shut your fucking mouth woman.” She laughs out loud; John stops now as the whole room is looking over. She gets up and leaves. John gallantly finishes his speech and nothing is said, yet.

When all the plates are cleared and what not, I go and hug my friend and kiss his new wife, shake hands with the in laws and what not. I then relieve myself of official duty and wind up for the party. This is done by necking half a bottle of champagne. Nice. The other guest who were not at the church turn up for the doo. It quickly becomes apparent to me that I am one of the few single men there. All my mates who went to the church were with there women, so it seems that I am going to spend most of the night mooching about on my bill. Awesome!

A few hours pass and the DJ is spinning some hardcore classics. Gloria Gaynor CHECK Hot Chocolate CHECK he must have heard I was coming! I have been dancing with someone’s Nana now for twenty minutes; the bitch is hot for me. I play it cool and am just having a good laugh with the “elders”. That is when I notice my first target (bet you wondered where my game was). She is slim brunette with choppy hair, I’d say around 19. She looks a bit fed up as she is blatantly sat with her family. Maybe it was the champagne or the fact that Barry Manilows Copacana was playing. Either way, I was going in.

I head towards the family gathering, but don’t approach the girl. No no no that would to low risk. Instead I approach the middle-aged man sat next to her, I assumed this was her Dad (risky). I cut between the group and say to him “Sir, I was wondering if I could have your permission to dance with your beautiful daughter”. As soon as the words leave my mouth I regret every one of them. I’m not used to chatting up men. There is a pause of about three seconds where there is no reaction at all. It seems like ages. Is he going to head butt me? He starts to smile, I smile. He laughs, I laugh. He says “Ha, of course you can mate, what a gentleman!”. From here tho, I get over excited with his response and possibly push it a step to far. I grab his wife (?) on the other the other side of him and start to lead her to the dance floor. Luckily, they think this cheesy move is fucking hilarious. They are all literally curled over in laughter, I look at my target, she is gob smacked/mortified. WIN!

I take her to the hotel bar where we fluff talk for a while. She strokes my face as I tell her tales of my life as a hotel bartender. I have my hand on her hip, but she keeps looking over her shoulder. It is obvious she is paranoid about her rents seeing us, but it is also obvious that she is into me. I respect not to make her look bad in front of her parents so, take a number, kiss her on the check and go back to the party.

When I enter them main room, I have to double check I’m at the right party. It is packed and I don’t recognize anybody. Grabbing another bottle of wine of a table I scan the room and enter a suitably sized mixed group. We are talking about car boot sales, a riveting topic of conversation. Some bloke turns and says to me “So how long have you and Carol been together then?” I look to my left, it’s Carol. “Well it’s coming up to four and a half years now, is that right Caz?”. She glares at me “What are you talking about?”. I push on “When we met? You remember right? At the chiropodist?” She still looks pissed off. I put my arm around her “That scar from the ingrown toenail will forever be a memento to our love” She pushes me off and laughs. The bloke has backed off and looks very bemused.

I talk to Carol for a while, slowly escalating my Kino. It is good but a slow burner. We go outside hand in hand for a cigarette (which I have internally decided will be the point at which I kiss her) however when we go out, mayhem. A massive fight has broke out. It turns out Johns girlfriend (that bitch from before) has thrown a drink at the mother of the bride. No shit. There is a mixed sex fight in the parking lot, I note a few of my friends in the ruckus so run in to break shit up. By the time it is winding down and women are crying It is safe to say Carol has well and truly fucked off. I never saw her again.

Back inside and it is time for midnight bacon butties. Fucking awesome! This is great as I am pretty fucked by now and I love dead grilled pig. I sit in a quit corner and consume my non Jewish feast. Deans two sisters and his brother in law come over. “Jaz, are you still single?” say his younger sister. “It’s just that Lucy likes you and..” I interrupt spitting half chewed bread everywhere “NO. I mean YES, I am still single but I’m not really up for dating YOUR mates”. I ramble on a bit more and they leave me alone in my chode corner. I appreciate the sentiment, and it has been duly noted.

Half hour later and I’m in some function room, notice a Chick looks a bit like Liv Tyler. If Liv Tyler worked in a Tanning Salon and lived on a diet of Finders Crispy Pancakes. I sit next to her “Yo, what’s up” she turns to me and tells me to fuck off?!? “How very dare you, this is supposed to be a joyous occasion” She just turns her back on me. I conclude she is just a miserable tart so just shrug my shoulders and move on.

I bump into an old mate of mine. Were having some banter at the front door of the hotel. He points out some girls behind him outside, I wonder what he is thinking. They waltz past and I grab one by the arm. I say very loudly “if you don’t kiss me, then I’m never talking to you again!” she smirks and I pull her in and snog her. I can hear my mate going wild. I turn the girls back to him and open my eye cueing him to make a move on the other one. They both KNOW they should be kissing, but end up just awkwardly standing in front of each other not doing anything. You can lead a chode to water…

The next hour or two of the night is a blur as I am absolutely fucked of my tits at this point. I remember chatting up some two set, but I was way too dunk to remember what the fuck I said. I pulled one of them into the main bar area where the peeps staying the night had congregated. I sat between my two pals and pulled the chick to sit on my lap. I must have been talking absolute bollocks. Because she was really warming to me, but the more I talked the more her face turned to a grimace. She got up and left after a very shaky number close.

It must be about 4.30am at this point. I am fucked. I cant even bring myself to get off the sofa in the bar. There is a handful of people they’re talking in drunken hushed whispers. I’m about to pass out, when out of nowhere; Lucy sits next to m (my mates little’s sisters friend). “SUP LUUUU!”. She seems sober, way to sober to be hanging around with a drunken pervert like me. “Who was THAT girl you were with before?”. I look at her with disgust (what the fuck is she saying that for?) “Why she is my future wife, we are to be married in the coral islands” her face drops. “I’m joking you mong I don’t even know her name” we talk for a while. I have decide not to make any offensive moves on her, I know she likes me so I can just play it cool. We are sharing a half bottle of champagne, when we finish it she says the magic words. “Who’s staying in your room tonight Jaz?” Of course I had a room to myself. “You are, but as long as you bring another bottle of bubbly.” She jumps up grabs my hand and whisks me upstairs.

As she leads me though the spirals of corridors, it is abundantly clear I cannot walk. She isn’t bothered and we hit her room. She goes In, I fall in. In the bed is Deans little sister half dressed. “Hi Jaz!” “eeeeer Hi Laura!!” . I watch Lucy get a bottle up of the floor, I look at them both as I’m slouched against the wall. I can only think of one thing – threesome. Of course that thought passes quickly. As fucking awesome as that would be, that is one of my best mates sisters and even in that state I wouldn’t do that (maybe after a few more)

Cant remember how we got to my room. I think I tried carrying her across the threshold before dropping her on the trouser press – smooth. Next bit is a total blur, I remember kissing her on the bed, but that’s it. However this is where it ends. The last thing I remember is waking up just before she slammed the door leaving me, it is still dark. I stand up and fall over. My pants are around my ankles. I look around the room hazy eyed, the telly is still on. I am full dressed, shirt, tie, and suit jacket except for my lower half of course. On the bed is an empty bottle of champagne surrounded by a small pool of sick. I find this highly amusing, slump against the door and pass out.

Waking up to a maid vacuum is never nice. My battery had gone on my phone so the alarm didn’t go off. I quickly tidy the room, get my pants on and get the fuck out of Dodge as fast as possible. It was weird. You know its late when you go through the hotel corridor and every door is open where the maids have cleaned. I have no idea what the time is so am shitting it I’m going to get charged another night. EVERYBODY has gone. I stumble across the car park groggy as fuck just as I bump into a pal of the brides. “Did you see the police last night?”. Basically, what had happened is that while I was passed out, another mate had a massive fight with his bird. A window was smashed and he drove off drunk. The police came. Dean and his new wife then had a massive fight and decided they were not going on their honeymoon as they had fallen out. Couples. Pah.

TL;DR Neither did I.

Well at least nobody is lying in a hospital bed on life support after being run over by a drunk driver.

I know. What a fucking bellend.

Agreed. Fuckin drink drivers

This really had me chuckling. Good stuff.

Do most of your non forum mates know about your gaming exploits and this forum Jaz? If so, would be interested to know what they make of it.

I'm exactly the same when I am out with my "normal" friends as when I am out with my "pick up" friends. They know I like to chase after girlies. Some of them do know about the forum, they have no extreme opinions on it. Just a resounding "Oh.... Err..... Cool."

Good to hear and that's the way it should be. A double life is neither healthy nor genuine.

I'm working towards the same thing. I am sometimes self concious around girls when with the friends who do know about my forum meet ups etc, but this is a self generated issue that I'm sure will pass.

By the way Snake Eyes.

I have been meaning to tell you for some time that I fucking hate you. You are my "Breakout" Arcade nemesis. That high score will be mine again soon.

Never!!

I fucking hate you for introducing that Arcade to my life! I used to do stuff before that.....

Hahaha! Snake, I remember you telling me on Saturday night about the little 'breakout' rivalry between you and Jaz - I didn't realise that you beat his high score just an hour after he had smashed yours!

you couldn't write that shit!