Especially for Amit:

In Dukes, Raurai was being posh and charming with some older posh women when their fit younger friend joined them.

As she approached the group I looked at her and felt instantly attracted. She looked at me and it was clear, just as instantly, that she was equally attracted to me. Straight away I started to talk with her about nothing in particular.

If you were to transcribe that conversation and work out an objective measure of conversational banality it would probably be the dullest conversation that ever happened in the UK. It didn't matter. We were both just saying words for the sake of saying something as opposed to saying nothing.


We were both standing and were focused on each other. It had been raining and all the chairs nearby were wet. One of her friends spoke to me "Hey, you should go over there and fetch her that chair to sit on." What a dumb bitch.


Obviously, I can't go fetch the chair.


I dismiss the friend flippantly and return my attentions to the girl I am attracted to. But the friend is persistent and announces that if I don't get the chair it is because I am a dick (in different words but the outcome is the same). I snapped a look at her thinking "I don't know why you are doing this but if you want to battle bitch ..." and responded "The thing its I would go get the chair but she looks so cute pottering about on them heels its mesmerising" then returned my attention to the fit girl.

I took her attempt at fucking me up and made an opportunity to escalate out of it. That isn't why I'm posting specifically about this situation though. I am posting because the thing I was most pissed off with was the fact that I couldn't just go get her the chair. That I felt I had to be inauthentic in that moment and not fetch the chair, I'd gladly fetch her a chair. I am attracted to the kinds of girls who would think they would need a man to fetch their chair because they are too dainty and weak and ladylike, it turns me on all that.

I hate being inauthentic in social situations, in fact I think the boundaries of one's authenticity are the boundaries of one's social landscape. Anywhere and time I am not being authentic I am also not socialising, by definition.

I reconciled this in my head afterwards by recognising that I was being inauthentic specifically with the annoying friend thus putting her outside of my social landscape. But I remained authentic in my communications with the girl I was attracted to.

That is how I resolved my cognitive dissonance regarding that situation.


I am interested in other people's thoughts on this situation. Specifically, do people think that is an acceptable way to resolve my cognitive dissonance caused by these seemingly inharmonious statements -

P1. I am authentic in social situations.
P2. I was inauthentic in my communication with this woman.


Peace,

kowalski

forgive me if i have got this wrong, i had to read this paragraph more than once to see if i could see what you are saying.

why were you inauthentic in this moment?
it is natural to say no when a random (as such) tells you to do something, even if it is for your own mother. if it was your mother, you would of turned to your mother and asked her if she required a chair, you would of payed no attention to the random, but rather your mother's own wants and needs.

to further clarify what i am saying, the random is a nobody, they have merely brought to your attention your own mother/the girl may be uncomfortable. naturally, you would want to make sure your own mother/the girl are ok, and if there is something you can do for them to make them feel better.

i fail to see anything inauthentic.

and apologies for bringing mother into this, but i hope you see the similarity in my point. you can replace mother with a good friend if you want to do so.

i think that sometimes, i would do it, but i feel like someone is asking me to just to take some power over me.

i remember an ex, years ago. i asked her if she would get me a drink & she said no get urself a drink.

fair enuf, so i did.

A few days later we wer lying in bed & she said... can u go get me a drink please. I just laffed and said, im sure you set the ground on where doin stuff for eachother lies.

it ended up in a conflict, and me thinkin "i wish id just got the drink"

thing is, women are strange, and do love to test stuff, and you always gotta ask are they doing it with a hidden agenda.

was the girl asking you to get the chair to see if

A, Your a protective guy (positive)

B, Or your a mug and the next question is gonna be "Buy us a drink"

C, Or did she just want u to get the chair...

or maybe even just wanted u to leave her mate alone coz she was jel or a minger

in this situation. I think id have said,

"id love nothin more than to be the type of guy who looks after & protect u... but u certainly wont get there by stamping your feet, ask me nicely"

then say thank you.

in this situation i always make sure, if im going to do the request they ask respectfully before i do! otherwise, ur a fetch me carry me

Camarda,

I felt that I was inauthentic because, and this is missed from my first post, the friend's instructing me to get the chair actually brought to my attention that the girl I was attracted to clearly wanted to sit down; which is something I, subsequent to becoming aware of it, wanted to fix.

I probably had noticed that already, but it wasn't important to either her or I at that time because we were occupied with what was happening between us. The friend brought it to my attention and once she had I was in the position of wanting to get her the chair now that I had noticed. Had I noticed enough on my own I would have got her a chair or (if I was being a good PUA) isolated her by taking her to a chair. Now the situation was coloured by the instruction though.

Catch 22.


As soon as I start thinking how to best move through a situation that isn't the way I naturally would like to move through that situation it is business and not social. My brain is engaged in the same way as in business where the outcome is more important than the journey. In business people are a means to an end, in society people are an ends in themselves.

So in this situation I behaved as we do in business not as we do when socialising.

Does that make more sense?


Peace,

kowalski

so u mean, had u noticed you would have gotten the chair

because it was someone elses you began to process the outcome rather than go

Oh fuck, that was rude of me.

is this "ANALYSING" because of your involvement with pua??

yep, it is clear to me now what you are talking of.

i think maybe the connundrum (sp?) you experienced fucked you over and you probably did not act in the most effective way in that situation.

especially if the girl ultimately did not end up sitting down

hm I love how ur deconstructing a simple incident involving a chair. Its like umming ovr whether u should have put more butter on ur toast. Howevr the situation is an interesting one because as soon as u are aware of the possibility she wants to sit down it is nagging at u, u can feel the social pressure. For me I would turn to her and say 'Do you want me to get you a chair?' eyebrow slightly raised in quizzical expression. This way you shut the feeling in ur head up by resolving the situ with the target. She'll probably laugh and say she does want it.

following this if you have no chair you should get her to sit on ur lap so u can both be close and seated. standing over her or squatting next to her are both going to make conversation more strained.

hm I love how ur deconstructing a simple incident involving a chair. Its like umming ovr whether u should have put more butter on ur toast. HOWEVER, the situation is an interesting one because as soon as u are aware of the possibility she wants to sit down it is nagging at u, u can feel the social pressure.

For me I would turn to her and say 'Do you want me to get you a chair?' eyebrow slightly raised in quizzical expression. This way you shut the feeling in ur head up by resolving the situ with the target. She'll probably laugh and say she does want it.

following this if you have no chair you should get her to sit on ur lap so u can both be close and seated. standing over her or squatting next to her are both going to make conversation more strained.

I am mostly deconstructing it because Amit asked for more field reports and this is about the level at which I have anything resembling a problem (I don't mean to sound like "Look at me I've got all my shit worked out" when I say that).

I don't like it when I feel like the best thing to do is something other than what I really want to do and choose to do the best thing over what I really want, when socialising because it isn't socialing if you do.


Phil,

I don't think my level of analysis is anything to do with PU. I am a philosopher it is just the way my head goes. Also, I love pyschedelics and they make you evalutate your behaviour and allow you to do so from a wider perspective and in a more focused state. Pschedelics are Philosopher City.


Peace,

kowalski

What do people think of that as a theory, that "the boundaries of one's authenticity are the boundaries of one's social landscape. Anywhere and time I am not being authentic I am also not socialising, by definition"?


Peace,

kowalski