Name: Ben
Age: 18
Location: Los Angeles, US
Occupation: Art student
PUA Experience: ...uhh... yeah just read the post

Heres the deal: I'm extremely socially sophisiticated... But I'm too self defeating for my own good. I can read people like a book, but I'm TOO good at fucking myself over and avoiding what I really want. I'm going to admit a lot in this message I haven't told anyone, simply because what are you going to do, track down my ip adress and travel 1000 miles to laugh at me? Anyway here goes.

I was born into a very strict (and abusive) family. I was never allowed to make friends and because of that I went from being a happy friendly kid to a very VERY shy kid. By the time I was interested in girls I had developed a horrible habit: I was to shy to even speak to anyone i was attracted to, and when I finally built up enough tension within myself to "ask them out" (mind you this is late elementary school) I would thoroughly embarrass myself.

The fist time I ever asked a girl to a dance was 7th grade, and it was probably the most embarrassed I have ever been. I asked her to the dance, got all excited like i had accomplished something, told everyone i knew, and finally heard from her that she thought we were going as friends, on which point i was so nervous i said (I have no idea why) can i have a hug? in that dr. evil voice. It took me years to realize that not only did I know that saying those things would dig me a deeper hole at that time, i was INTENTIONALLY doing it.

Freshman year was weird for me, not only was it the peak of my shyness, it was also the peak of the most relationships i COULD have had. There was a sophmore named allie that i had 2 classes with, and she couldnt keep her hands off me. She would say (and i quote) "the only reason i come to class is you". That and constant hugs and other physical contact, as well as flirting, jumping on me and more was a dead giveaway that this girl was REALLY into me, and if i regret one thing it was not flirting back because she was extremely hot. But being as shy as I was, the more she flirted the more withdrawn i got, and as obvious as it was that i liked her too, i never said it and never did anything more than sit there while she tried and tried to get me to tell her. After freshman year she had changed schools, i havent seen her since.

Sophmore year was my first major crush, a girl named Maeva. I would say hi whenever i saw her, (i forced myself to, it would never have happened if i didnt) and im pretty sure she knew i liked her. I never told her. But I did tell someone else. To homecoming dance that year I asked out a girl I knew was not even close to attracted to me, and i even thought she was hideous myself, but i did it just because i knew i would get rejected.

Junior year everything changed. My parents sent me to a all boys boarding school, where not only did i have an excuse to not talk to any girl i saw ("whats the point, im not going to see her again anytime soon") I also had to conform to boarding school mentality that the shyest kids got their asses kicked. So I became an outgoing person. I became very socially adept, got interested in the social sciences, even applied it to my daily life, but the majority of my social ability went to subconsciously shooting myself in the foot. Senior year was pretty much the same, but that was when i seriously honed my subtle avoidance techniques.

Now I've been in college for 6 months, and more and more I'm hating how I can have a deep conversation with anyone on the subway and still be hopelessly single. I'm not a bad looking guy, i uploaded a pic to hotornot.com and its currently holding an average rating of 9.9 out of 10, which is the highest rating i've seen anyone hold. here it is:
I've been turning to online dating but its been a nightmare... between cam girls and fake profiles, the girls im able to meet seem to like me, but every one seems to want to continue to talk on line and never meet in person or they stood me up when i did try to meet them or they are too far away... One girl admitted she "fell in love with me" and blindly seeking a way out of my chronic singledom i ended up talking a ton with a girl halfway across the country, we even exchanged phone numbers and had a lot of conversations that way before i found out that this girl who said "im yours" to me was already another guys girlfriend. Too bad, too. I was able to flirt with her, say what i wanted to say, and those phone conversations are the reason i know i have the ability to flirt like a pro but i never use it.

I have never told anyone all this, and as much as I want to deny it, it is extremely pathetic. I have noticed that I do subtle things that keep me from any opportunity i have with this, and the only time I have EVER seen this self defeating habit cease when not online is when i was high on E, and anyones sense of self control goes when youre that high. Thinking back to what i said that night it doesnt seem like my flirting ability was all in my head... trust me on that one I'm very self observant, even when I'm high.

Okay I've told you my history, my dilemma, and now i just want to learn how to take control of what skill i already use to shoot myself in the foot and use it to my avantage instead. Maybe just maybe then I can stop preventing myself from meeting girls and purposely screwing up my chances the ones i already did meet.

Oh and just to be clear... I'm never outwardly hopeless. I usually dont let anyone know I feel so hopelessly alone, I'm a very good liar now. I hate it.

Hey man, main problem you have...Is you. You said it exactly in your post. Self defeating, hopeless. If you want to progess in this 'art' then you have to change that mentality. EVERYONE is your equal unless you make them higher than you. It's all in your head at the end of the day. Take baby steps. First step you made was looking on the internet and finding this website...Another step was signing up, another step was writing this post. See, not hopeless after all. You WANT to change, we can see that. All you have to do is do it. Doesn't matter how long it will take, what matters is that your making moves and getting on with it.

Next time your walking out and about, smile at everyone. Especially the girls. Not a slimey fake smile. A genuine, I'm loving my life and me smile. You'll get smiles back and it will feel good. You didn't even have to talk to a girl and yet you feel as if you've accomplished something...Cause you have! The next step? Approaching. Doesn't have to be a girl...Can be a guy. As you said, you can already chat to strangers on the subway so you've already got it pretty much down.

All in all mate, you know you have it in you. You just have to express it. Hone it...