Rite of Passage

Some wiki quotes -

• A rite of passage is a ritual event that marks a person's progress from one status to another.
• Rites of passage have three phases: separation, transition, and reincorporation.
• In the first phase, people withdraw from their current status and prepare to move from one place or status to another.
• The transition (liminal) phase is the period between states, during which one has left one place or state but hasn't yet entered or joined the next.
• In the third phase (reaggregation or reincorporation) the passage is consummated [by] the ritual subject."[5] Having completed the rite and assumed their "new" identity, one re-enters society with one's new status.

This is something that is lacking from our society as we are largely protected in ways that mean our childhood continues well into our 20s and, for many, even beyond.

My view is that the important factor in a rite of passage is the content of the transitional phase. Separation and re-aggregation are important but the rituals of separation and re-aggregation are not essential at least in my own experience. (I make this point only as the anthropologist who came up with the theory thought the ritualistic element was vital.)


My own Rite of Passage
I moved to Manchester with my girl about 6 years ago. A few months after that we split up, I changed jobs and then I moved home under duress all in the space of about 8 weeks.

There were a few weeks where I was going to work every day and behaving professionally, walking home in holed shoes, eating mostly bread (I had no money as I had to keep it all to afford to move and did not get paid for 6 weeks in my new job), going back to a flat that had every door double bolted and pad-locked (which I fitted) due to threats of violent eviction from my increasingly insane landlord, upset about the breakdown of a 5 year relationship I thought would be life-long, moving house, knowing no-one in the city, it was christmas / new year period. I was in pieces.

(There's worse situations, for sure. Some of you may have been in them.)

As I thought about how if I was in my home town things could be different because family would sort me out with money and shoes, I could go friends and be fed, my boys would kidnap this prick landlord and whip him with a hose till he shat himself, I'd have all sorts of emotional support, people to bring me help me move.

Before then I would probably have phoned my dad just to ask where I could get some cardboard boxes to put my stuff in, such was the level of my comfortable reliance on others. I'm sure I could have thought of somewhere to source cardboard boxes on my own, but would rather not even do the thinking (plus he'd probably go get the boxes, come round when I wasn't in, pack everything, find me a new flat, pay the deposit and move me in).

Clearly he had something I didn't.

Thinking about this from my frustrated emotional resourceless depleted position I acknowledged the truth that we are essentially alone, that the only person who is definitely going to be there when there is a situation to be dealt with is you. This is some deep existential thing for me (how could it not be, that's how my head works), but also just a simple pragmatic truth.


In my scruffy Sunday morning words:
You are sometimes alone.
You can not arrange for situations that need to be dealt with to only arise when you are not alone.
Situations that need to be dealt with come around all the time.
Therefore, there is a very real possibility that you are going to have to deal with a lot of shit on your own.

Sun Tzu puts it like this in the opening passage of The Art of War (Demna translation):
The military is a great matter of the state.
It is the ground of death and life, the Tao of survival or extinction.
One cannot but examine it

Or as Sinstyle and I discussed it a few months ago:
You can be the most peaceful, zen baldy in the world, Sinstyle.
This can not stop conflict from coming into your existence.
Conflict is a given.
If you don't prepare for a given, you have already failed.


I made a decision to be free of everyone and take responsibility for everything. For the next 18 months I did not contact anyone who I already knew, including family. My ex called a few times and we hung out twice, I spoke to my sister 3 or 4 times for about 10 minutes on the phone, that is all. Of the new people I met I did not burden them with any of my problems, they may have been aware of them but I would always down-play them. I wanted to handle everything myself. I wanted to know that I could.


Before I was a boy. A 26 year old child.
After I was a man.
I know and feel the difference very clearly.


Before my passage to manhood:
Inanimate objects could get the better of me emotionally.
The words of others could cut me deeply.
People could push me around if they really wanted to.
I would become useless and emotional if I was even near the edge of my comfort zone.

Now things are different and have been for some time. I believe I can handle anything and when things get on top of me it is usually only until I acknowledge I am letting things get on top of me. Now when I feel I need help, it is because it is a real need. I ask and receive favours all the time, but know that I don't need them they just make things easier and are a natural part of human as social beast. People, almost universally, give me basic respect and most give me much more than that. I get emotional still as much (I wouldn't want to lose that) but more as expression and release than something I live.



I can't recommend this strongly enough, albeit from my singular perspective.

It will probably be the greatest and most important thing that ever happened to me, in terms of its overall effect on everything that I am and that I have been and done since.

If anyone here is struggling with life, and many of us are hence our being here, this could make you (or break you, I'm no Dr - though I reckon I'd make a good The Doctor).

The Personally Imposed Rite of Passage
Cut yourself off from your support circle, or at the very least cut yourself of from their support and do not re-aggregate yourself with it until you have become a man. I.e. Until you are capable of living as a free and responsible being, with no duty to anyone and no requirement for the duty of others and have acknowledgement of this as a base truth of life.


Peace,

kowalski

Cool post, I can identify with this. I think myself quite lucky to have had something similar as soon as I turned 18, completely made me the person I am and changed my life. To set the scene I was a college drop out stoner bum, working part time in a supermarket living with my parents in a shitty coastal town, progressively becoming more and more shy and losing what little confidence I had.

I had always from young age wanted to live abroad and got drunk one night and applied for a job as an entertainer for an agency which put's staff in hotels abroad. Completely exaggerated my C.V and got lucky as they were desperate to fill positions straight away and offered me job starting in three days if I could fly out to Cyprus.

It's weird because I had to make a snap decision and I could've easily turned it down and stayed in my comfort zone and I would be a different person. Anyway took the job, moved there with £200 in my pocket, almost got fired as they realised I was shit and had to do two lots of unpaid training (a month in total), eventually got good at the job, didn't speak to anyone from home the 6 months I was there apart from my parents twice for few minutes at a time. Since then I've relocated independently about 12 times where I know nobody and feel comfortable approaching pretty much any new situation alone, in fact I seek out new situations with a passion. I also value my independence as one of my greatest qualities.

It has it's bad points though, I find it hard to take support from people or compromise my life which I choose to create, which has made me push away potential LTR's that might have been good.

Interesting to read a real life example of this. It's discussed at length in a DD DVD I bought, fascinating stuff. Very apt to me too, difficult to admit but I do feel like a child in some respects (which I mean in a strictly non Gary Glitter sense of course!). Always best to deflect a disturbing thought with a joke, don't you find lol? My theory is that we develop as we age, and generally whatever age you start having a problem at, if you don't manage to overcome it, that's the level of maturity you have in that area of your life until you overcome it. No idea if it's accurate but it seems logical.

PS

Enjoyed that Kowalski, thanks.

Sounds very stoical, you ever read any Epictetus, Aurelius, Seneca by any chance?

For a long time, I was emotionally needy.

I expected (and wanted) people to acknowledge me for the good, decent and kind person that I was. And to be rewarded for it.

In primary and secondary school, I was a good kid – very quiet, courteous, well mannered and worked hard(ish). I was praised by teachers and rewarded for my good behavior. It felt good. That acknowledgment and recognition made me feel happy to be me. I was not loud, carefree or confident like a lot of the other kids in my year – I was quite the opposite. But they weren't praised and respected by the teachers like I was. From this, I felt justified for being the way I was - quiet, courteous, well-mannered/ shy, unexpressive, timid.

A few years on since leaving school and college I came to realise that people tend not to go out of their way to acknowledge and give praise like staff did for me when I was in school (why should they?). Yet, there have been times when I did things or acted a certain way in order to gain peoples approval and admiration. More often than not, being that way eventually left me disappointed in many ways.

With the assistance from posts by particular people on this forum, I’ve come to realise that depending on other people to make me feel good about myself just doesn’t work very well. I had to stop feeling the need to gain peoples approval and appreciation. I had to be the person that I wanted to be and do things that I want to do. I had to stop caring about how other people perceived me.

Since changing my attitude, I feel strong and independent. Emotionally independent, no longer needy. I no longer care about what most people think of me. This allows me the freedom to by the person I want to be and pursue what I desire.

Very awesome post, Kowalski. It's interesting to read about the separation, transition and re-aggregation phases. I've re-aggregated myself, I'm sure. My struggle in life is trying to manufacture opportunities that will get the best out of my life for me.

Cheers.

I haven't. We covered stoicism only briefly and just their epistemology. Do you recommend anything in particular?


Peace,

kowalski

The Internet Classics Archive | The Discourses by Epictetus

The Internet Classics Archive | The Meditations by Marcus Aurelius

Lucius Annaeus Seneca: On the Shortness of Life

They can take some getting through, and some of the stuff makes absolutley no sense to me but theres some real diamonds in all three.

Again, another good and thought provoking post.

Couple of points

When it comes to sink or swim 'most' people swim some people top themselves instead.
So on one hand im not sure potentially advising somone to cut off their family and friends when they are at an alltime low is a good idea.

That said-- i mentioned in a different post, where i hit rock bottom, i was totally alone and crashed and burned, and i felt empowered as you - once i had realised the only way was up-- i felt like the layers like an onion had been peeled off me and my basic essence was left and i was now able to re-wrap myself in new layers that i had chosen.

however -- devils advocate here.
My biggest failing is that i never ask for help from people-- i will crash and burn before i ask for somones help. I believe that if somone is truly worthy of my time they will offer their help like i would to them.
There is somthing really humbling and Golden about being in the shit with knowone to turn to and then somone you know, dont know, love -- is there for you and holds your hand and helps pull you out of it.
Those moments my Faith in Humanity is restored and i learn by example to then bestow that unto others.

Good post man,

As the Buddha said, work out your own salvation, dont rely on others.

I've only started reading into Stoicism myself but from i've read so far It makes alot of sense. Like the below for example.

This was my concern with the advice given here. Many people do not understand depression which is prominent in most people that you could describe as lonely and the target of this writing. Because of this lack of understanding people say things like "suicide is selfish" and "snap out of it", it's very easy to say and assume these things when you have never experienced it and are in a logical frame of mind.

Those suffering from depression do not think rationally or logically, the chemical imbalance completely fucks up such thought processes. Instead they will believe that they are doing others a favour by removing themselves from their lives and that their situation is hopeless because the advice is "snap out of it" and they can not.

Suggesting that people remove their support networks entirely is dangerous, I think your ought to add here that those suffering from any form of depression should never do this Kowalski.