Its 1997 ,I'm in a faded second hand jumper with the sleeves to short and a Tesco 2stripe jacket when everyone else is sporting the latest spiffy bomber jackets, I've just sat at my table in tutor, i sit on my own as no one dares sit next to me incase the abuse normally aimed at me is shared with them.

Most off my class are sitting down as we wait for our tutor they are laughing in my direction a bit more than usual, i wonder what trap i have walked into this time i checked before i sat down for the drawing pin on the chair so it must be something else.

I look over to Dan he is the only friend i have, after school we have loads of fun dossing the streets on our bmx pretending we have machineguns on the handle bars and our mission is to take out the IRA who happens to be everyone walking the streets.

He doesn't dare talk to me in school and sits with the 'cool' kids, his eyes gaze sympathetically towards the chalk board so i look to see wrote in big letters 'MISS YATES IS A WHORE' with my street signature done very neatly underneath it, i wonder how they got a copy off my signature when the only copy off it that i know off is on my diary front page

Then i see Glyn B, one of the biggest most disgusting bully you ever laid eyes on ripping pages out of my diary, he even eats one of the pages glaring over daring me to come challenge him
i knew to get up and try challenge him or rub the chalk of the board before the tutor came in would be pointless and the silent anger starts to build mainly anger at myself for being such a pussy my face starts to go red and i can feel the tears coming

The class start chanting "cry baby Nazi cry baby Nazi" (i was born in Germany)

Then it all goes quiet.

Miss Yates walks in and the suspense builds up as she walks over to the board and examines, she reads recognizes the tag from my diary, then turns to me with eyes of disappointment and anger, i was gutted that she couldn't see it was a trap and after some bellowing and verbal abuse orders me to stand in the corridor and think about my actions, i welcome the chance to suffer in pain away from the mocking eyes and run from the classroom,

I sit outside, trying to calm myself down i fantasied about who i am going to be when i move to my new school in 5 months time, Dan T born in Blackpool yeah that sounds pretty cool if i start saving my pocket money now i can buy a spiffy jacket, then the bell rings and the class comes out 6 kicks to the shin, a slap round the face and gum in my hair, has it really been 3 years off this shit.

Writing this although the faces still remains vivid in my mind just seems like a bad dream to me,

To all the people who joined in with the bullying to ensure there own ass wont get kicked i remain eternally thankful too, after leaving that school i created a new identity infact i did everywhere i went and although being unauthentic at the time i buzzed of the fact no one knew who i was and as i had been called every twat under the sun i could no longer be affected by bullying, i even tried hanging around with people getting bullied to encourage bullys to pick on me but instead the bullied kids got recognized and respect for the attributes they had.

So if you went through school as an introvert getting your ass kicked then i congratulate you, no one in that club knows you and as long as your not sitting slouched at the bar not making eye contact feeling like a victom for fear of bullies then you are far more interesting and ready to become a verbal sparring Spartan than most of the people in there.

Great post.


As a smarter man than me once wrote,

“The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.”

Deep.

Respect for sharing all that.

I grew weed for a decade and you quickly learn that living things need hardship to grow strong. I used to rag them plants around something rotten in the vegetation stages particularly and as long as I stayed within a certain limit they would just get thicker and stronger branches and produce heavier danker buds. I even used to buy bio-products that induced auto-immune response as if the plant had been ill and the buds would taste better and have a more rounded high.

Hardship is vital.

I think it is prefered if you put yourself through trials and tribulations in a controlled environment, or as a obstacles between you and some optional goal you have chosen to pursue, than if they are thrust upon you in an unfettered manner as this in extreme cases may result in lasting damage from which recovery may be unlikely and may set you back irreversibly.

When I read stuff like this my thoughts instantly turn to the next generation. I was not bullied though only because my older sister was the hardest person in school (she knocked the hardest lad in school clean out for calling her a bitch), and then she went on to date intensely hard guys culminating now in a top gangster who was on the police's 10 most wanted list till they busted him a couple of years ago. I always had backing and everyone knew it, so any behaviour I didn't like was nipped in the bud (got weed on the brain today). But whether I was or wasn't the fact is my kids will not be bullied, I will back them to the hilt and make sure they have whatever skills necessary to deal with shit even if that means respect via fear that's fine by me. And, although they may join this community they will never need to.


Peace,

kowalski

Superb post... I feel / share your pain, i even started to well up a bit while reading it as i can relate to my own experiences.

Thanks for posting it.

Top post TF.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, an all that. I think you're pretty much living proof of that.

I am however deeply concerned at your moron of a teacher. To think they let someone with such a low level of intelligence teach kids is frightening.

i don't think i have ever been associated to the growing off bud before, if i ever smoke some fine weed again i will look at it in a new light.

Miss Yates was old, close to retirement and menopausal i think deep down she knew there was something wrong but didn't know how to fix it, far easier was it for her to stay in denial and finish her year than to admit there was issues she could off spent time thinking about.

as for lasting damage i still get a twitch when i see people getting bullied and despise conversations in work place that involves the slating of someone who struggles to socialize or has a stutter, i think it makes people feel better about there own lives if they are taking the piss about someone else.

We had a Miss Yates who was a complete bitch too. She hardly ever turned up and when she did she just used to insult people. Fortunately, I went to an all-boys school and we gave as good as we got.

For instance, there was a (well substantiated) rumour that she had sex with a 6th former in the art cupboard, so when we had a lesson with clay, we all made models of cupboards and asked her if it reminded her of anything. Also, a lad called Elliot Fellinger drew a picture of a dog, and when she asked "Fellinger what's that?", he came out with the gem of "It's you, ma'am!"

Anyway, good post TF. I was never really bullied as such, just some prick in about year 5 who, fittingly, is now a single dad with a rapidly receding hairline rotting away in my cesspit of a hometown. Ohh delicious justice. But you're right on bullying being disgusting behaviour. It shouldn't happen.

It goes back to the value thing. Remember being told at school "bullies are usually insecure/worried about being bullied themselves" etc? Bullying is simlutaneously value-taking and value-demonstrating, two lame behaviours. Truly valued people don't bully. They make everyone around them feel awesome.